Friday, April 13, 2012

day 3 brings joy

It's been three days since I found out that I have this auto-immune disease.

And today I feel...

free from so many burdens

and today I am so thankful to God for Hoshimoto's!

i've been walking around on this earth since I was 15 years old believing that something was wrong with my heart and my mind.

believing that I was a hypochondriac.

believing that I had a heart condition but so fearful because no one could figure out what caused it (after two failed heart surgeries).

believing that I suffered from a mental disorder.

believing that i was an annoyance and a bother to be around. riddled with guilt and shame because of the way I felt.

having most of my family down play my symptoms, ignore me, and abandon me.

i was a write off, to almost everyone.

today on day three I move from fear to possibilities.

i am no longer bewildered or afraid of all of this madness that started when I was 15. i am no longer ashamed of myself and quite honestly am ashamed at those who treated me that way.

today I shed a million fears and questions about my health that I never dreamed would be answered.

i get it now. the missing puzzle piece that I never gave up on finding has finally been found. no one ever stood by me or up for me or helped me find the missing piece. i stood up for myself. i took care of myself.

every person that talked down to me, that told me to quit searching and that it was all in my head and to just get over it... well you were wrong!

almost everyone wrote me off including my own parents. but God never did. it is only through all of this madness that I found Him in the first place.

He never left my side. He was always there for me. when I was utterly alone and wanting to jump out of my own skin, He was there. when I had thoughts of just wanting to end it all, He was there.

just me and God.

& when I got deeper and deeper into a REAL personal relationship with Him that had nothing to do with wanting to belong to a group and make friends or follow man made rules... when I got down to the bare bones relationship between Him and I, he led me to the exact right circumstances to easily find out about my Hashimoto's.

i hadn't expected much. i was so used to seeing so many doctors and never ever, not once, having any sort of test result come back abnormal that could explain my symptoms.

it's as if God has brought me through an entire process. it's like I've been in years and years of training with Him. he didn't give me exactly what I wanted when I wanted it because He probably knew that if He had, I wouldn't have learned the most important lesson in life! that it's all about Him. it's not about me! He is eternal life. i am a dead end.

he tested me over and over again. gave me glimpses of hope and remission, but always brought me back to despair. and I needed that! i guess that I like to learn lessons the hard way because it seriously took me a long time to take Him seriously.

i'd get real deep with Him and then run away from Him. i'd slip back into trying to have control over everything in my life which lead me away from Him.


i'm going to start keeping a food diary here of what i eat daily and also what vitamins and medicines i'm taking. i've been on a very strict diet not out of want, but because i have been able to make myself feel a lot better because of it. i originally started eating unprocessed gluten free and mostly grain free almost a year ago out of instinct because i was very ill. well good thing, because that is exactly what someone with Hashimoto's must do anyways! i'm way ahead of the game. the cleaner i get in my eating, the easier it becomes to figure out what foods are bothering me, but i've still got a ways to go in figuring this stuff out.

today i ate:
::iron supplement (just started last night)
::acebutolol (beta blocker that controls tachycardia, been on this over 10 years, works good)
::banana, pineapple, strawberry, fresh young coconut water smoothie
::organic hamburger lettuce wrap
::another organic hamburger lettuce wrap
::2 large handfuls of Kettle brand sea salt potato chips
::several chunks of gluten free dark chocolate
::iron supplement
::chicken, avocado, tomato salsa, cucumber
::vitamin D
::coconut ice cream
::a few more chunks of gluten free dark chocolate

i think that my vitamins and B 12 shot are starting to kick in. i'm starting to feel a little better.

1 comment:

  1. I found your blog on someone's blog. I think I have Hashimotos but my thyroid results come back normal. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, in 2006, which is an umbrella for tons of autoimmune diseases. I haven't tried a gluten free diet and apprehensive. Did you cut out sugar with the gluten? My hair started to fall out in my 20's and I had mono when I was 14. I've had different weird symptoms since then. I get hot and sweat easily and have days where everything hurts and I can barely walk. It goes up and down. Lately I started to take chew able multivitamins for prenatal women. I remember that my hair was thick when I was pregnant and figure ...what can it hurt? Everywhere, but my crown, my hair is thicker. :) I found a place that I could get a skull cap with hair (a female toupe) and am saving money for that.

    Anyways, good luck with your journey.

    Katharine, Kat's Almost Purrfect World