Friday, May 25, 2012

a lovely sunny day

With Mr. Lovely Sun high in the sky we made like bees {or was it like birds} to enjoy the day.

We are now the owners of my late Grandmother's old things:  wheelbarrow and garden tools.  I probably used to ride in this wheelbarrow when I was wee.

Granny's old wheelbarrow.  She wheeled me in this too when I was little. 

She loves to help with such gusto!

We're gardening. :) 

And with my hands in the ground, the mother, the dirt, I breath in the fresh air and I am okay.


And it's so good, that we head through the neighborhood to the park.


And while they play, I enjoy a freshly cracked open coconut, it's sweet water. 

Sunshine + fresh coconut water = :) 

 I found out more test results recently in regards to my health issues.  I have a bacterial infection and a yeast infection in my tummy that need treatment.  I also have very high cortisol all morning, day and night so my adrenals are over functioning and in risk of flat lining if we can't get the cortisol down. 

What does all of that jargon mean?  I have to take a lot more pills.


Friday, May 11, 2012

goodbye grandma's

Wandering around the one place that has always been there {for me} since I've been alive.

Taking it all in.  Wandering around and re-living the memories of cousins playing dinosaurs in the trees, and thousands of just she and I time spent all over that property.

Special memories.

Easter egg hunts
Hiding from Grandpa while she smoked, just our little secret {snickers}
Picking her flowers of abundance
The pond that she built, always empty, never filled, Grandpa wouldn't let her
The big juicy blackberries, black stained hands, face, and smiles
Sitting outside and just talking and talking and talking

I loved my Grandma so very dearly.  Sadly for us here, she passed away several years ago and left us for greener pastures.  I miss her all of the time. 

And now it's time to say goodbye to the final piece of the tangible... well sort of.  I have a lot of her tangibles that are very special to me now in my own home, and even better, a ton of wonderful memories.

Goodbye sweet Grandmother's home.  We will miss you!

Saying goodbye to my Grammy's home forever.  (tear)

Pretty memories.




Monday, April 23, 2012

let time slow

It's been a little blurry here lately.

I'm just snuggling my family as much as possible & spending a lot of down time.  I know now that it does no good to get up & fight through all of the fatigue, in fact it probably just hurts me.

Learning about Hashimoto's is like going to school to learn how to be a doctor.  There is so much to learn & it's the type of disease that you really need to get in tune with yourself & learn all about what is happening with your body or your never going to figure out how to get feeling better.  It's a complicated disease.  Nothing is cookie cutter or by the books and no two people are exactly alike.

& I'm trying to find balance with controlling everything that I possibly can with this disease vs having total trust & faith in God & what his plans are for me and where he wants to lead me with all of this.

I am not Hashimoto's.  I am God's eternal daughter.

I am not this body.. this flesh.

Turning fear into trust.  Allowing myself to trust God and give up the fight.

& so right now I slow down & dig deep while I cling tight to them... my beautiful family.

Terrorizing the dog 
She terrorizes the poor dog & tries to get him with the broom under the couch. Our Katie is a pretty wild and confident girl.
& I just want to feel better, but I can't right now because it takes time, & so for now I'll just let things
slow a little & breathe them in.

Beautiful bruised and dirty forehead.
& I'm faced with the decision to try & wean my little girl.  She is thriving while I am hardly surviving.  These are our last days of breastfeeding.  I need my full body back to concentrate on healing.

There are many naked days, and days just in PJ's for the little one.  But she trucks on, showing off her mad balancing skills.  All is good in her world. 

Overall, though I'm up and down right now with my health, I am okay.  


Sunday, April 15, 2012


With a broken wing, she carries her dreams
with a broken wing, she carries her dreams. you ought to see her fly!
-martina mcbride

today we pulled on our cowgirl boots and visited the in-laws.

just hopped out of the shower and ran a brush through our hair and away we go!

She wants to wear her headband like this
the little girl wants to wear her headband across forehead. okay then! you go girl!

one of my in-law's doggies. a big huge Airedale.

& a little girl just smitten with her "gamma's bewdie".

today i ate:
::eggs, udi's gluten free bread, butter, bacon
::raspberry dark chocolate
::hummus and sea salt chips, hummus, pickle, orange, peanut butter larabar, hershey kiss
::mexican food take out- rice, beans, chicken, onion, green bell pepper, tortilla chips, salsa, guacamole
::a icy cold pepsi (rare treat)

yesterday i ate:
::kettle sea salt potato chips
::deli rotisserie chicken, hummus and sea salt potato chips, store bought smoked salmon dip
::grape juice
::raw carrot, mushroom, cucumber dipped in more smoked salmon dip
::steak, sauteed mushrooms and onions in butter

i ate a lot of junk this weekend. I got pain in my side again which hasn't happened in a long time but seems to always happen when i start eating poorly. but sometimes i just want to do it anyways.

Friday, April 13, 2012

i go to work with you daddy

he went to work unusually late so she was awake when he left.

"daddy, i go work too."

she ran ahead of him as fast as she could & giggling as she grabbed one of his extra work vests & a hat.

melt my over flowing abundant heart.

& please disregard the house messies. i've been a little under the weather, thanks!


day 3 brings joy

It's been three days since I found out that I have this auto-immune disease.

And today I feel...

free from so many burdens

and today I am so thankful to God for Hoshimoto's!

i've been walking around on this earth since I was 15 years old believing that something was wrong with my heart and my mind.

believing that I was a hypochondriac.

believing that I had a heart condition but so fearful because no one could figure out what caused it (after two failed heart surgeries).

believing that I suffered from a mental disorder.

believing that i was an annoyance and a bother to be around. riddled with guilt and shame because of the way I felt.

having most of my family down play my symptoms, ignore me, and abandon me.

i was a write off, to almost everyone.

today on day three I move from fear to possibilities.

i am no longer bewildered or afraid of all of this madness that started when I was 15. i am no longer ashamed of myself and quite honestly am ashamed at those who treated me that way.

today I shed a million fears and questions about my health that I never dreamed would be answered.

i get it now. the missing puzzle piece that I never gave up on finding has finally been found. no one ever stood by me or up for me or helped me find the missing piece. i stood up for myself. i took care of myself.

every person that talked down to me, that told me to quit searching and that it was all in my head and to just get over it... well you were wrong!

almost everyone wrote me off including my own parents. but God never did. it is only through all of this madness that I found Him in the first place.

He never left my side. He was always there for me. when I was utterly alone and wanting to jump out of my own skin, He was there. when I had thoughts of just wanting to end it all, He was there.

just me and God.

& when I got deeper and deeper into a REAL personal relationship with Him that had nothing to do with wanting to belong to a group and make friends or follow man made rules... when I got down to the bare bones relationship between Him and I, he led me to the exact right circumstances to easily find out about my Hashimoto's.

i hadn't expected much. i was so used to seeing so many doctors and never ever, not once, having any sort of test result come back abnormal that could explain my symptoms.

it's as if God has brought me through an entire process. it's like I've been in years and years of training with Him. he didn't give me exactly what I wanted when I wanted it because He probably knew that if He had, I wouldn't have learned the most important lesson in life! that it's all about Him. it's not about me! He is eternal life. i am a dead end.

he tested me over and over again. gave me glimpses of hope and remission, but always brought me back to despair. and I needed that! i guess that I like to learn lessons the hard way because it seriously took me a long time to take Him seriously.

i'd get real deep with Him and then run away from Him. i'd slip back into trying to have control over everything in my life which lead me away from Him.


i'm going to start keeping a food diary here of what i eat daily and also what vitamins and medicines i'm taking. i've been on a very strict diet not out of want, but because i have been able to make myself feel a lot better because of it. i originally started eating unprocessed gluten free and mostly grain free almost a year ago out of instinct because i was very ill. well good thing, because that is exactly what someone with Hashimoto's must do anyways! i'm way ahead of the game. the cleaner i get in my eating, the easier it becomes to figure out what foods are bothering me, but i've still got a ways to go in figuring this stuff out.

today i ate:
::iron supplement (just started last night)
::acebutolol (beta blocker that controls tachycardia, been on this over 10 years, works good)
::banana, pineapple, strawberry, fresh young coconut water smoothie
::organic hamburger lettuce wrap
::another organic hamburger lettuce wrap
::2 large handfuls of Kettle brand sea salt potato chips
::several chunks of gluten free dark chocolate
::iron supplement
::chicken, avocado, tomato salsa, cucumber
::vitamin D
::coconut ice cream
::a few more chunks of gluten free dark chocolate

i think that my vitamins and B 12 shot are starting to kick in. i'm starting to feel a little better.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

it's not about me

it's not about me.
it's not about me.
it's not about me.


just something that this girl needs to remind herself of often.

trying to find my light and let it shine even when I don't feel good involves getting out of self pity and into the what I can dos. it's about shifting from the negatives to the positives. it's about trust in God's plan for me and seeking him often.

it's about intention and choices.